RoyCoupNewsPress– The Boston Red Sox, recent participants in a historic September collapse, appear set to have a manager for 2012 after spending all of 2011 and parts of seasons going back to 2004 with no one running the show at all. RoyCoup News Press has it on word from several high level Red Sox fan bloggers that Bobby Valentine is set to become the 45th Red Sox manager. Valentine is known in different ways to different people. To about half the fans you talk to he is a blubbering idiot, a cancer in the clubhouse and anything but a winner. To others, he is an intelligent baseball mind, an exciting personality and just the right person to put an end to any shenanigans going on in the clubhouse. While he is set to polarize an already emotional Red Sox fan base, one thing is certain. And that is that the Boston Red Sox will actually have someone running the team next year. Despite seeming destined for the playoffs up until September despite a horrid start to the season, the Red Sox played the entire year without a manager at all. So it will be interesting to see what happens when they actually have a warm body running things.
Monthly Archives: November 2011
On this day in history in the future, November 28 of 2043, the last hippie hold-out of the 1960s cultural revolution will die in a trailer somewhere in western Washington. By doing so, he finally will relieve the American people of the agony of hearing anymore shit about not knowing “what it was like living in the 60s, man”.
On this day in history, November 23rd of 1898, the first jukebox- then called a “Nickel-In-The-Slot Machine”- was installed in the Palais Royal Saloon in San Francisco. The machine was built by Louis T. Glass and William S. Arnold and was an immediate success. The very earliest hits on the jukebox were classics such as “Babbit, My Beautiful Bonnie Bride, Belches Bellowingly In Her Boudoir”, “Over On The Dell Where The Moonlight Glows On My Lovers Cold Sore” and “Say Hello To My Lonely Siph-Whore Of The Northwest Pacific Shore”.
On this day in history, November 20 of 1789, New Jersey became the first state to ratify the Bill of Rights. Later on in the night, New Jersey became the first state to have one of its citizens to tell another while drinking in a pub, ‘You know what? You, sir, are full of shit. Go fuck your-self.’ Congrats New Jersey!
On this day in history, November 18, 1978, “The Jonestown Massacre” took place in Guyana. Madman Jones convinced his followers they were about to be ambushed and murdered for their Socialist utopia in the jungle and for the death of Congressman Ryan, and so they drank the purple cool-aid. Between 909 and 913 of his followers died. Listen to the chilling audio of the last 45 minutes of the Peoples’ Temple existence.
Hello, I’m Arnold Schwarzenegger. You know who I am. Today I want to direct this social service announcement to my fellow Austrians traveling in America as well as any Germans, Belgians, or Americans willing to degrade themselves. Are you planning on traveling in the mid-western or southern parts of the United States? If so, then today is your lucky day. Not because my sex scandal has been forgotten and I am ready to return to making action films, but because I want to help you fit in with a special segment of the population: Nascar fans. Nascar races are special American events and you will want to fit in with the crowd. Think of Nascar races as a sort of Oktoberfest, except the women are ugly, the beer is complete garbage, violence is always on the verge of breaking out, and off in the distance is the rumbling of cars going 300 mph in a circle. So, let’s get to the list!
– Don’t Say Anything – Don’t say anything intelligible, that is. You cannot be walking around the parking lot or the stadium wondering when the fuck all those people are going to grow up. They will turn you into jelly and then eat you. Americans love jelly, especially southerners. Instead, learn a few “token tantrums” and stick to them. Such as: Nascar, whoo! Dale Junior whoo! If you can’t remember those two, just remember to slur a word or two together and follow it up with a “whoo!” or two. Or, you can just string a”whoo!” and a “hoo!” together and you have an official American holler: whoo! hoo!
– Secret Codes – If you do feel the need to communicate with whoever you are with, and I am sure most of you will, develop beforehand a system of codes based on my previous recommendations of “token tantrums.” For instance, you can agree that when either of you says “Nascar! Whoo!” it really means “LOOK! at this white trash hose beast! Can you believe it?” You can even add a “hoo!” at the end if your talking about two people to mean “LOOK! at this grotesque couple over here.” Of course, you can always just walk around screaming “holy shit!” at everything, but you will want to work on your tone. Make sure it is a far-off, screaming at nothing kind of tone. Otherwise, they might know you are talking about them.
– Beer Situation – This will also take some planning. Under no circumstances are you ever to forget your upbringing–if you are German, Austrian or Dutch–by drinking the American beer sold where these events are held. I am sure that most of you travel with a supply of Franzikaner or Weihenstephaner, but for those who don’t there are plenty of good American beers or supply stores with our delicious beers. Find them beforehand. You may feel comfortable resting your beer on your head. This is a truly American tradition. So, buy a 6 pack of Bud and a beer helmet. Empty the beer out, fill the cans with quality beer, put them in the helmet and carry a stash of extras in your jean shorts. This way, your hands will be free to high five Americans.
– Dress For Success – You might have noticed that I said to put extra beer in your jean shorts, not your capri pants. This is a crucial step. Do not wear your capri’s to this event. You probably will not even be allowed in if you try. Instead, go to one of the cheap American stores with all of the Chinese products, and buy a pair of jean shorts. They are similar to capri’s so you will not be too inconvenienced.
– Don’t Mess With The Women – The women at these events will most likely induce shock and pity. Others will have huge fake breasts out for everyone to see. However, steer clear from staring at or communicating with these women. These are not like normal American or foreign women. They will fight you. While their men look on drinking beer and telling them to ‘get ‘eem! GET ‘eem!’. In fact, wear a pair of sunglasses and just keep moving.
– Ignore The Race – The real event is in the parking lot and the stands. Don’t inquire about who might have actually won that absurd event. For those who are interested, let them find out who won. Most people don’t and won’t care. So don’t ask! And do not under any circumstances call the race a ‘match’.
– Above All, Stay Classless – Usually I end my lists with the advice to “stay classy,” but not in this case. Stay classless, instead. Yell gibberish at the top of your lungs, wear a belly shirt to let your gut breath, high-five grown men, and keep moving along like one intoxicated blob of red, white and blue protoplasm. Good Luck!