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Monthly Archives: December 2011

An American Experience Special

Hello, and welcome again to ‘An American Experience Special: Weren’t Those Some Fucked Up Times?’ Each episode of our series examines a most odious time in American life that sent the proverbial shit flying head-long into a great big fucking fan, leaving those involved scarred forever and, in looking back in wonder and shame, exclaiming dejectedly into the mystic abyss “weren’t those some fucked up, just wretched ass times.’

Throughout U.S. history, there have been numerous douche bag epidemics. Epidemics where the male population, for unknown reasons, tends to shift towards acting like out-and-out douche bags, pure and simple. Starting with tobacco planters in Jamestown, to southern politicians at the countries founding, to Nativists, to Jim Crow, to guys named Todd, America has had its fair share of douche bag epidemics.

This weeks special: The Great Douche Bag Epidemic of 1985. Following the release of Rocky IV, the United States witnessed an epidemic occurring in its male population when the douche bag to normal guy ratio exploded. Thinking they could be as tough as Sly Stallone, who undoubtedly spent hours upon hours of training to get his body in peak physical shape, these douche bags felt they could do about five curls with a can of beer and suddenly they were as tough, motivated, and easy-to-root for as Rocky Balboa. Sadly, they were mistaken and men’s fashion and attitudes took a drastically douche bag turn.

These douche bags, who weren’t around for the first Rocky movie when most of America fell in love with the down-and-out boxer and had his back from the get-go, thought they could jump on the bandwagon. They only became fans when the going was good, making them even bigger douche bags. America’s social airwaves were filled with drunken, half-incoherent exhalations of “Rocky!” and “Adrian!” from Brooklyn to L.A.

It wasn’t until the following year, 1986 and the release of Stallone’s “Cobra” that the Rocky IV DB epidemic broke its stranglehold on American society. While most of the Rocky d bags just refocused their douche baggedness on Cobra, it was more of an underground epidemic. And so, once Cobra was flushed through our cultural interstine, the douche bag epidemic of 1985 was officially at an end.

Despite the end of the Douche Bag Epidemic of 1985, numerous other epidemics have arisen throughout American society since then. Indeed, it seems that always on the peripherals there lurks in the hearts of men a douche bag capability so severe and so ready-in-waiting that, coupled with men ‘s inane desire to follow the wolf pack, within a few short days America can have a full-blown epidemic on its hands. Luckily, the epidemics seem to fade out as often as they fade in, and so we need not be vigilant, waiting by the front door with a 44 Magnum the next time a group of guys decides to spread their douche-baggedness nation-wide again. No, thankfully there are lulls in the outbreaks. Which allows us to look back in wonder and shame about douche bag epidemics like the one in 1985 and think aloud in jaded dejectedness: weren’t those some fucked up, just wretched assed times to live through.

Thanks for joining me, I’m Howard Balboa.

Personally, I thought Rocky III was a better movie.

 

Lots of classic lines throughout this movie.

 
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Posted by on December 28, 2011 in Musings

 

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Atovan

Atovan, sweet Atovan.
Gets me rip shit
Sweet Atovan

Oh, is it the pill alone?
That gets me solely stoned?
Why hav-aint I heard of thee before?
Sweet, destroyer Atovan

When I find myself grinning
Grinning like a madman grinning
Then I know, Oh I know
The Atavon trip is just beginning

Fly me to the moon
Shit on Fred Astaire
I’m dancing on a gigantic fucking ice cream cake
In nothing but my long john under wear

Shit on a goose, I’ve had enough
No way to walk in this impossible muck
Goddamn goose, as bad as the ducks
Sweet Atovan!

Shoot me to the moon!
I’ll rifle a dove
I sing a reggae song
I’m as hard as they come!

Give up the sweat
Don’t be a stink
I just read a book where
The guy kept saying gink

What the fuck is a gink?
I think it meant “baseball player”
But I could be wrong
Sweet fucking sweet shit Atovan!

Don’t think this silly rhyme rhymes?
Well it doesn’t you observant douche
I’m doing all that I can!
Rip shit on ATOVAN!

Atovan, my atovan
Give me bliss, my atovan
Am I drunk or am I stoned
Oh no, I am alone
rip shit on Akhmatova…Akhmatova? Fuckin’ spell check.
I meant Atovan!

 
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Posted by on December 27, 2011 in Randomness

 

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I Might Be Too Young, But…

I might be too young to say this, but I am going to anyway. FUCK. PAT. BOONE. OK, that felt good. Just had to get that off my chest. Why does 50s on XM/Sirius play this clown? It was bad enough the first time around…

What a douche. This guys music is an abomination to rock-n-roll, and all music come to think of it.

Look here. He's old but still an out-and-out douche. Fuck Pat Boone.

 
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Posted by on December 27, 2011 in Music

 

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On This Day In History

On this day in history, December 26 of 2011, nothing, absolutely nothing happened in the baseball world. This coming despite repeated checks and refreshes of ESPN.com/baseball and SI.com/baseball. Oh sure, there was a “report” saying that the Rockies were in talks with OF Cody Ross, but no one in their right mind considers anything the Colorado Rockies or Cody Ross does as news, so it does not count. Come on, baseball! Give us some fireworks! Some of us actually watched basketball for a few minutes yesterday. Spring can’t come soon enough.

I am going through some serious sports cliche withdrawls. Guess I'll just keep my head down, focus on today and not let the successes or failures of the past affect my performance.

 
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Posted by on December 26, 2011 in Randomness

 

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Arnold’s New Years Eve Party Tips

Hello, I’m Arnold Schwarzenegger and welcome to another edition of my series “Arnold’s Tips.” Today, I want to cue you in on some New Years Eve party tips that I think will make you a smash hit at any party. Believe me, I have been to many a New Years Eve party and each time have left people celebrating me rather than the passing of the new year. Follow my advice and you will be the talk of the new year and will leave people with epic memories they will never remember, but also will never forget.

Dress to the 9s – Don’t be afraid to be “fashion forward” for this party. The crazier you look when you show up to the party when everyone is sober, the more likely you will set a foundation for absolute abandon and ass kickingness. Don’t make too much of a spectical of yourself, but don’t be afraid to step outside of your normal personality. You will want to establish yourself as a good guy who is trustworthy, but is also a trailblazer in the shit-kicking department.

– Favors – As I started explaining in the first step, you will want to establish yourself as a fun but trustworthy party-goer early on. Don’t feel shy about bringing chips, beer, literally arm fulls of cheap vodka or whiskey, and, most important of all, party favors. Bringing glittered top hats, confetti, whistles, and noise makers will instantly put you on peoples good sides and they will look to you throughout the party to set the gold standard of New Years Eve shenanigans.

– Scout Out The Premises – Early on in the party, you will want to scout out an area of the apartment or house where you can bring your drunken prey back to for some New Years drunken ravishing. Anticipate in your mind that everyone in the party will get shit-faced drunk to the point where very few of them will even be capable of screwing. Kind of think of it like an apocalypse-like scenario where you are one of the last survivors in a scene of fire and death and need to find a warm body to pass your seed onto and keep the human species alive. Except that in reality it will be nothing like that. At the least, you are going to need to find a roomy and dark corner to which you should carry your bounty. Bedrooms are always nice, but you may need to do the shimmy on top of unconscious revelers, so don’t be afraid to get creative. Broom closets always work in the clutch.

– Keep Your Pace – Make sure you keep track of the time. Do not get drunk ahead of everyone else. Usually, I would advise you to be a trailblazer in every way possible, but here you need to play it smart. Wear a watch and keep track of how many drinks you have. Eating pasta before the festivities will help you with your drink load. You want to make sure that you can at least grab and thrust when everyone else is incoherent.

Keep a Cache – Keep a cache of Jagermeister with you at the party. Do not under any circumstances break out the Jager until it is time. Asking people if they want their first shot to be a Jager will label you a schmuck for the remainder of the party. Instead, pretend as if the Jager is a turbo booster. It needs to be used at the optimum time. For instance, if people are saying that they don’t know how the party could get any crazier, whip out the bottle of Jager and pour a hefty shot for the girl you think you have the best shot of kibitzing. Don’t be afraid to pass shots out. The Jager will bump people up to another level of drunken asshole or drunken slut and you need to use that to your favor, so do not drink any of the Jager yourself. Be “The Master of the Hunt”. Live it. Love it. And have a shit-kicking, safe New Year. Over and out.

 
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Posted by on December 26, 2011 in Musings

 

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RoyCoup Book Club

This is the second edition of my version of “George Carlin’s Book Club Offer.” I figure if it’s a good idea, and the originator is dead, why not keep it going? (Admittedly, mine pale in comparison.) I’ll use Carlin’s intro followed with my “How To” series of books. “Hi, welcome to the RoyCoup book club. We’ve got books out the ass. Call now, call now. Here are some of the titles you will receive:

How To Kill Yourself And Die Trying
How To Hide Your Your Obsession With Barbara Streisand’s Nose
How To Turn An Old TV Into A Toilet
How To Bring Everything Full Circle
How To Ruin Christmas For Small Children
How To Insult People You Don’t Know And Will Never Meet
How To Ignore The Fact That Steven Tyler Still Has A Career
How To Fake Domestic Abuse
How To Obliterate A Floor Lamp With A Broom Handle: A Boston Red Sox Fan Guide
How To Roast Your Testicles For The Holidays
How To Inspire People To Force You Into Making New Years Resolutions Weeks Before New Years
How To Get Yourself Fired At A Company Christmas Party
How To Reinvent Yourself For The Holidays
How To Turn Scrotum Hair Into Fake Ear Hair
How To Never Skateboard In Your Life. Ever.
How To Stare People Into Obedience
How To Turn A Casual Drink Into Lifelong Alcoholism
How To Be A Whiney Bitch On Yelp
How To Change The World One Yelp Review At A Time
How To Harvest Hard-Boiled Egg Farts At The Christmas Dinner Table
How To Ignore Strangers
How To Survive A Diet Of Meat And Bread
How To Make Your Alcoholism Enjoyable For Others: Christmas Songs For The Shit-Faced
How To Make A Mistletoe Belt: A Guide To Holiday BJs
How To Turn Beer Tits Into Christmas Presents
“My Latest Devastation”: How To Write Poetically About The Dumps You Take

Call now! Call now!

 
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Posted by on December 24, 2011 in Musings

 

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