Hello, and welcome again to ‘An American Experience Special: Weren’t Those Some Fucked Up Times?’ Each episode of our series examines a most odious time in American life that sent the proverbial shit flying head-long into a great big fucking fan, leaving those involved scarred forever and, in looking back in wonder and shame, exclaiming dejectedly into the mystic abyss “weren’t those some fucked up, just wretched ass times.’
Throughout U.S. history, there have been numerous douche bag epidemics. Epidemics where the male population, for unknown reasons, tends to shift towards acting like out-and-out douche bags, pure and simple. Starting with tobacco planters in Jamestown, to southern politicians at the countries founding, to Nativists, to Jim Crow, to guys named Todd, America has had its fair share of douche bag epidemics.
This weeks special: The Great Douche Bag Epidemic of 1985. Following the release of Rocky IV, the United States witnessed an epidemic occurring in its male population when the douche bag to normal guy ratio exploded. Thinking they could be as tough as Sly Stallone, who undoubtedly spent hours upon hours of training to get his body in peak physical shape, these douche bags felt they could do about five curls with a can of beer and suddenly they were as tough, motivated, and easy-to-root for as Rocky Balboa. Sadly, they were mistaken and men’s fashion and attitudes took a drastically douche bag turn.
These douche bags, who weren’t around for the first Rocky movie when most of America fell in love with the down-and-out boxer and had his back from the get-go, thought they could jump on the bandwagon. They only became fans when the going was good, making them even bigger douche bags. America’s social airwaves were filled with drunken, half-incoherent exhalations of “Rocky!” and “Adrian!” from Brooklyn to L.A.
It wasn’t until the following year, 1986 and the release of Stallone’s “Cobra” that the Rocky IV DB epidemic broke its stranglehold on American society. While most of the Rocky d bags just refocused their douche baggedness on Cobra, it was more of an underground epidemic. And so, once Cobra was flushed through our cultural interstine, the douche bag epidemic of 1985 was officially at an end.
Despite the end of the Douche Bag Epidemic of 1985, numerous other epidemics have arisen throughout American society since then. Indeed, it seems that always on the peripherals there lurks in the hearts of men a douche bag capability so severe and so ready-in-waiting that, coupled with men ‘s inane desire to follow the wolf pack, within a few short days America can have a full-blown epidemic on its hands. Luckily, the epidemics seem to fade out as often as they fade in, and so we need not be vigilant, waiting by the front door with a 44 Magnum the next time a group of guys decides to spread their douche-baggedness nation-wide again. No, thankfully there are lulls in the outbreaks. Which allows us to look back in wonder and shame about douche bag epidemics like the one in 1985 and think aloud in jaded dejectedness: weren’t those some fucked up, just wretched assed times to live through.
Thanks for joining me, I’m Howard Balboa.