I don’t know why, but some cities in Europe that I’ve been too have played astoundingly bad music. And alot of it is American pop music from various decades. I originally wrote this up after being in Dublin and Torrevieja, but I shelved it until I got to Paris, of all places, where I heard the same kind of crap music. I mean, what kind of place makes you relieved to hear Phil Collins? Anyhow, here is my version of a music show featuring some of the worst Ameican pop music I’ve heard over here along with some current commentary I think you will find riveting, if not insulting. So, here we go! (Oddly enough, this works better if you read it with an English accent. Don’t ask me why. Oh, and by the way, the bar I finished this in is playing some bitchin’ soul and jazz. So, yeah, I know not all music here sucks.)
Hello! and welcome to this weeks Bottom of the Pops show where we bring to you the worst, absolute worst in American pop music as voted on by our viewers.
Each week we take in millions of tweets, emails and phone calls by viewers such as yourself telling us who should be featured on this weeks version of (insert deep voice)…BOTTOM OF THE POPS!
Enough of the chit-chat, now. Okay, lets.get.to.the.list. Carrying over from last week where it charted number 2, starting things off at number 3 on our list: Alicia Keys and ¨I´m Jealous of Your Girl Friend, Although You Say She is Just a Girl That is Your Friend¨
Okay, let´s admit it: the first time you heard this song and thought ¨there´s no way she´s going to use girl and friend after saying girlfriend¨you were blown away. Like watching an impending train wreck of stupidity and bad writing from a distance.
But then, upon repeated deliveries of the line you finally admitted to yourself that given the way things are today there is no other way she could have possibly finished that line. Well done, Alicia! squandering your talents to settle for pop crap that mysteriously sells. At least in Europe.
And well done to our viewers for recognizing, once again, pure crap music from some of our most famous American musicians and putting it right at…THE BOTTOM OF THE POPS! where it belongs.
Moving on now. A new entry this week, though the performer is hardly a stranger to THE BOTTOM OF THE POPS!…BeeeYONCEY!!!
Beyonce say, “it sucks to be you right now” in her hit “The Best Thing I Never Had.”
Congrats, Beyonce! on your most recent placement. Although, it is rather strange that after your embarassing behavior, what with your astonishing egomania and “I’m shutting this hospital down while I crap out this billion dollar baby”, that it still doesn’t suck to be you right now.
Well, it looks like the only person that could possibly be more arrogant, egocentric, and out-of-touch than Bee is her own golden child once its had a decade or two of pampering. Way to go, Beyonce! Good to see some of our pop performers are still in touch with reality! Hey, at least she doesn’t sing blatant lies like how she’s still the same girl from ’round the way. But, then again, her father is her manager. Was it his idea to dress her up in sexy white lingerie? If so, ewww. And good thinking.
And way to go viewers! for sticking by Beyonce after her inexplicably heinous behavior. You all truly have an ear for what belongs at…THE BOTTOM OF THE POPS!
Right. Moving along to our cherished #1 spot here on BOTTOM OF THE POPS!
In an unprecedented move in this shows history, we have another new placement by a performer who is also a regular contestant of this show. This weeks #1 is special because it involves two frequent BOTTOM OF THE POPS players teaming up with an entertainer who is receiving our “What the Fuck Were You Thinking?” award of the week.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this week’s #1 on our BOTTOM OF THE POPS is…Will i.am. and J Love featuring Mick Jagger in their collaborative hit “T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever)!!!
Congrats to Will i.am.- who with the Black Eyed Peas or solo- continues to make the best in astoundingly bad and dreadful and embarassing and complete shit pop music. Well done, Bill. You are dumbing down a nation almost single-handedly!
Also, congrats to Jo Lo! for repeating mindless crap over and over while her scantily clad booty and heavily made-up face try in vain to convince a nation that she is still worthy of our attention and sexy dreams.
Dont worry, we know you still have no class and never will, but we think fondly of the days when we longed to nuzzle up to the bosom of thou booty. Those were the days.
And now, on to Jager. Come on, man, really? I get wanting to stay relevant, and you’ve done weird things in the past, but this is taking it beyond the beyonds. Get back with Keith, get on the road and rock out all over the stage with the Stones if your going to be shaking your geriatric ass at all. Seriously, guy, what the fuck were you thinking?
And that’s all the time we have for our show tonight, folks. Keep those votes coming and keep tuned into…THE BOTTOM OF THE POPS! Goodnight all!