RSS

Monthly Archives: August 2012

Bobby Valentine Retires After Diagnosis of a Terminal Case of the Crabs

Boston- The lousy MLB commentator-turned lousy Boston Red Sox manager, Bobby Valentine, has announced his retirement from the game of baseball and its commentating to pay full attention to his terminal case of the crabs. His announcement surprised the baseball community and left those involved wondering who will lead the Boston Red Sox into their first losing season since before people started watching the Red Sox again.

Said the crab-bitten Valentine after another late inning Red Sox loss that probably fell on his egotistical, bullshit having shoulders, “it is for my family that I make this decision. I want to spend the rest of my time that I have on this earth with my family. This case of the crabs will eventually take over my body. Right now, I am feeling fine. But soon my testicles will be put upon a spit and devoured by those lustful creatures. And after that, it will spread to the rest of my body and I will not be able to pretend like I am a baseball man anymore. My body will turn back into ashes and I will not be able to brag about myself or think highly about myself anymore and I do not see the point in living anymore if I cannot do that. And so, I retire from my beloved game of baseball with an obviously mediocre track record of playing and managing and I say goodbye to this world. May no one else, ever, ever die of the wicked, incurable parasite known as the Bobby Valenti– err, the crab. I mean the crab. The crab has gotten Bobby’s body, but it will never take my baseball loving, horrible at managing it soul. Amen.”

The staff here at RoyCoup Press wish to express Bobby a swift death and a totally forgetful future. Ahmen.

Bobby V retires after being diagnosed with an incurable case of the crabs. His final statement after his marvelously arrogant and mediocre career: fuck this.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on August 29, 2012 in Randomness

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

New From Quiznos! The Chicken “Alfredo” Sub!

Available NOW at Fenway Park!

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on August 23, 2012 in Randomness

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Alfredo Aceves Proves He’s The Right Closer For The Boston Red Sox

Boston- In a 2012 season that has been belaboring, to put it mildly, for the Boston Red Sox and their fans, the lone bright spot that has emerged this season has been Alfredo Aceves’ role as the true, undoubtful closer for the Sox.
Aceves proved this by surrendering 5 runs on 6 hits in an innings worth of work on Thursday night at Fenway against the Angels which resulted in another blown save and handed the Sox another devastating loss.
Aceves downplayed his performance by telling reporters after the exuberant 14-13 loss to the Angels by saying, “look, it’s been tough there’s no doubt about it. But I don’t think of myself as any kind of bright spot or exception. I mean, there’s all kinds of guys contributing to our losses, and really, I’m just one in a group of massive underachievers. I’m just here to do what I do, and I think I proved what that is tonight.”

Manager Bobby Valentine said of Aceves, “great, just great. I mean, it means so much. It really does. Who are we talking about? Oh, Aceves, right. Yeah, he goes in there, gives up the 5 spot. That’s huge. That’s really huge. I just, I mean, I think I’ll name a new wrap after him. “The Alredo Chicken Wrap”. It’ll be a chicken alfredo wrap and just when you go to bite it it’ll completely fall apart in your hands and you won’t be able to do anything with it. Yeah, I think I’ll do that that.”

Quiznos is rumored to be moving quickly to release their own play on the “Alredo Wrap”. It’s called, rumor has it, “The Chicken ‘Alfredo’ Sub” and features chicken alfredo and veggies and is going to be known for getting toasted in under an inning!

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on August 23, 2012 in Musings

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Not Dark Yet by Bob Dylan Officially the Offical Anthem of the 2012 Boston Red Sox

Boston- In a classy, heartbreaking move representative of a once fulfilling and promising relationship on the verge of total collapse and despair, the Boston Red Sox have just announced that “Not Dark Yet” off of the album Time Out of Mindby the folk poet Bob Dylan has officially become the official team song for the 2012 Boston Red Sox.

In a move that could only be an attempt by the team to class up their abysmal act in 2012, they have decided to hit their fans right in their heart strings with the moving love-lost ballad by Mr. Dylan. In fact, the lyrics of the song tie so closely together with the forgetful, regretful season by the Red Sox that General Manager Ben Cherington could not help but see the obvious comparisons and pull the trigger to make the song representative of the 2012 Sox.

Said Mr. Cherington, “If you listen to the song from the first verse to the last, it’s like it really speaks about our team. I mean, dig this: shadows are falling/and I been here all day. That’s like the dog days of summer, right? When we’re not winning and everything sucks and we can’t wait to get out of here. Okay, now this: It’s too hot to sleep/ and time is running away/ Feel like my soul has turned into steel/ I’ve still got the scars that the sun didn’t heal. I mean, come on, how can that not be us? It’s too hot to sleep this time of year because of the weather but its also too hot because of the pressure. Time is running away; the season is ending and we are going nowhere and because everything has sucked the whole year my soul is turning into steel because the grim reality of our future is setting in. Fucked up, right? Ok. The scars that the “sun” didn’t heal. The scars are just like all the injuries that have plagued us this year. It’s crazy. We’ve had 26 players go on the DL 30 times! I particularly think this scar passage refers to Carl Crawford, but it could also relate to the emotional scars of  Youkilis and Pedey and Ortiz. And the entire month of September of 2011 now that I think of it!

Hang with me now. Dylan says: my sense of humanity has gone down the drain/ Behind every beautiful thing there’s been some kind of pain. Well, come on, who in the last 11 months hasn’t seen their humanity go down the drain on account of our piss-poor play and management. And behind every beautiful win streak we’ve had this year there’s been a painful losing streak to go along with it. It’s been uncanny, really.

Ok, moving along. I was born here and I’ll die here/ Against my will. This sounds just like Red Sox Nation. Think of all the fans, not just after the losing years and everything, but this year when the game just starts. I mean, its baby-fresh and we are already losing. This is our fate, folks. I know it looks like I’m moving/ But I’m standing still. The Sox have looked like they’ve been moving all year, but guess what folks we haven’t and we aren’t. It has seemed this way all year. In fact, as of late we’ve been moving steadily backward.

And lastly: Every nerve in my body is so vacant and numb/ I can’t even remember what it was I came here to get away from. Wow. This says everything. If you’re every nerve isn’t vacant and numb, then you haven’t been paying attention. This has been grueling. And what exactly did I come here to get away from? The Theo years? And what did I get? A manager I didn’t even want? A lousy clubhouse with overpaid, over-hyped, temperamental superstars? No way, folks. I’m lost, so are you. Let’s sit back and enjoy this heart-rendering ballad by Bob Dylan and try to move on together. That’s the only thing we can do. Because by the time this is published, it is definitely dark enough. It has already gotten there.”

 

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on August 23, 2012 in Randomness

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Aaron Cook Proves His Place In Red Sox Rotation vs. Angels

Boston- Just when the Red Sox were dying for a quality start from any of their five starters, Aaron Cook proved his place in the rotation by giving up five runs in five innings to the Angels at Fenway Park on Tuesday, August 21. Said Cook, “look, its my job to go out there and give up 8 or 9 hard, I mean absolutely smashed base hits before I give up a towering, majestic home run into the Boston sky line. That’s why I’m here. I could be doing this anywhere else in the major leagues, but I’m just so humbled, so thrilled, that I could prove that I’ve just got nothing left and that I’m a ticking time bomb for these Boston Red Sox.”

When asked about the fans’ reaction at home to his consistently abysmal starts, Cook replied, “oh, that’s why they are the best fans in the world. The way the whole stadium, I mean the WHOLE stadium, goes “‘Ahhhhhh……woah'” to home runs like the one I gave up to Trumbo, I mean, that’s why you play the game. To be able to go out there and pitch for the other team and have the home fans have your back, that’s just…excuse me, I’m getting emotion here…hang on…”.

At press time, there was no indication of whether or not Cook would follow friend and recently “relieved” pitching coach Bob McClure straight back into the land of post-Colorado oblivion. Hopefully, however, Cook stays on with the Red Sox for the remainder of the year to remind fans of how the team won’t be making the playoffs and by giving them hope that there is actually a pitcher worse than Josh Beckett on the entire east coast.

OK. Let’s play a game called “How Far Did It Go!?” with this picture of Aaron Cook. The rules are simple: you look at the picture and guess as to how far the batter hit the ball. That’s it. Winner receives a backyard barbeque wiffle ball game pitched by none other than Aaron Cook! Fun for the whole family!

Play and win “How Far Did It Go” and Aaron Cook will pitch to your friends and family at your next backyard bbq wiffle ball game! Fun for the whole family!

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on August 21, 2012 in Musings

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Red Sox Brass Consider Signing Available 2004 Cast For Stretch Run

Boston- Boston Red Sox brass, it has been leaked, have had serious discussions about signing whatever available players they can get from the 2004 cast for the 2012 stretch run. That includes players like the recently released Johnny Damon to retired fan favorites Pedro Martinez, Trot Nixon, Jason Varitek, Tim Wakefield, Manny Ramirez, Bill Mueller, Kevin Millar, Mark Bellhorn, and Pokey Reese.

Verging on openly consenting that this lackluster 2012 cast is going nowhere fast in the playoff hunt, the Sox brass are looking for ways to shake things up and see no silver lining on their horizon for their current cast. Also in the mix is the idea of rehiring Tito Francona and letting him and Bobby Valentine co-manage.

 

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on August 14, 2012 in Randomness

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,