RoyCoup Press- New Jersey, the small, smelly, over-populated northeastern state, has announced on Sunday, September 23, 2012 that it is seceding from the United States after 225 years. The state was the third to join the union, doing so on December 18, 1787. But, as governor Christie explains, “it’s like long fuckin’ ovadue that we do our own ting ova hera. Yous know what I mean? I mean, it’s been a fun ride, but, yo we’re outta hera.”
RoyCoup Press stopped a random woman on her way to work in downtown Manhattan to ask her opinion of the controversial move. “Seriously? It’s about time those shit bagging twats got the fuck outta this union. Oh yeah, I’ll get in on that going away party. What do they like to eat over there? shit sandwiches? I’ll bring some of them. No longer do we have to be associated with those clowns merely because of a geographical accident. Fuck off, Jersey.”
There appears to be no lost love on Jersey’s side either. Said governor Christie at the secession press release when asked what New Yorkers might think, “Yeah, like fuck New York, okay? No, Seriously. I’m tieyad of hearin New York dis, and New York dat. I’ve had enuf. I’m puttin Jersey back on da map, okay? We’ve got culture out the ass ova hera too, okay. So, everyone had better take notice, gabeesh?”
It will be a sad farewell for the small, enigmatic, toll-booth ridden state. New Jersey has had a long history as a member of America going back to its status as one of the original thirteen colonies. It’s also the home of the practice of calling someone a complete fucking asshole who is full of shit directly to their face before becoming lifelong friends. It’s the home of Bruce Springsteen. Lee Van Cleef lived there. The Jersey shore is there. Bon Jovi made an ass out of himself for years and years there. They will still be around, but they will obviously be doing their own thing now.
When asked what Jersey would be up to Christie wasted no time in responding by saying, “Libya. We’re going after Libya. After what those teabaggers did? We need to put ourselves on the map, okay, “A”, and “B” we’re not going to lie down after that. No way.”
No word as of yet as to when New Jersey’s official send-off party will happen, but as any New Yorker would tell you “it can’t come soon e-fucking-nough”. No word, as well, as to what kind of relationship New Jersey will have with the rest of America. Either way, good luck New Jersey! Are you going to be called “New” New Jersey now?