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Category Archives: Music

Y’all Wanna Hear Some Blues?

Hey there. Y’all like the blues? Y’all wanna hear some blues? I’m here in my spare bedroom and I’ve got my sick ass Fender Strat all “turnt” up and ready to rock and I’ve got my dark shades on to set the blues mood.

Anyway, this is a real blues jam ’cause I’m a real blues man. This was inspired by the greats. Stevie, John Mayer, and Johnny Lang.

I think you’ll dig this song. I learned it by sheer hard work and dedication. Dedication to the blues. Roots music. The real-deal stuff. Do you like blues? ‘Cause if you do, you’re gonna love this. Give a listen to my blues jam and “Like” it or post it on your FB page. That’s if you really like the blues.

I got the blues so bad,
Lord, I’m badly blue…
I got the blues so dawgonne bad,
Lord, dawgonne it, I’m badly blue…

Oh yeah, the fuckin' blues...

Oh yeah, the fuckin’ blues…

 
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Posted by on March 5, 2015 in Music

 

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Art Garfunkel Misses Two Shows, Swedes Take Notice

RoyCoup Press– Art Garfunkel, undoubtedly the richer, more famous and talented of the 1960s vocal dance duo Simon and Garfunkel, drew the attention of the Swedes when he failed to show up for two shows in their country. Garfunkel, who undeniably owns one of the coolest possible last names that you will never have, was booked to perform at “Night at the Prom”, a concert series fusing classical and pop music, but no one is quite sure why.

The event organizer, Niels Ustrup, was in tears and shaking when he was informed during the show that Garfunkel had left the country sometime prior to his scheduled appearance. Swedish militiamen were called in to restore order at the Night of the Prom after concert goers rioted when they were told Mr. Garfunkel and his sweet vocal chords that could make an angel cream his cloud would not be performing.

This is the first time that Mr. Garfunkel has missed a show to anyone’s knowledge. But then again, only the Swedes would give a shit anyway, so what do we know. Hell, we thought old Garfunky was still walking across Greece.

 
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Posted by on September 30, 2012 in Music

 

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John Lennon’s Ghost Wonders “What the Fuck, Bob?”

RoyCoup Press–  In an exclusive interview with RoyCoup Press, John Lennon’s ghost has expressed surprise and confusion over Bob Dylan writing a song about him on his latest album Tempest. The song is a tribute to Dylan’s long, longtime dead friend with a refrain of “you burned so bright/roll on, John”.

Mr. Lennon’s ghost had this to say about the song: “Well, I’ve only been dead now, what, thirty fucking years? It took him this fucking long to write a song about me? As if it would have any impact of me now. “Oh, Dylan wrote a song about me, I guess I ought to keep rollin’ on.” I’ve been rolling on since I fucking died and I will continue to roll on as long as I bloody well feel, thanks BOBBY.”

It continued, “you read the news today, oh boy, now did you? What, did you get a hold of a thirty year old newspaper? Did you not know that I was shot in the fucking back thirty years ago? Some topical songwriter you are Bobby! A little late to the game pal! I appreciate the sentiment, but I could have used that years and years ago. I’ve given up the whole self-pity game. I’ve even moved past whether or not I like hip-hop. So what are you trying to say or are you just trying to rewrite that old blues song? [cough, cough, wheezing wheezing] What the fuck? Have I got emphysema now? Fucking Dylan, I told him to put that Christianity and those cigarettes away. Apparently, he has done neither.

When explained that Dylan might be using the song as a way to transport himself back and through time Mr. Lennon’s ghost replied with a gruff, “oh, fuck off. Only the dead can time travel.” Only the dead can time travel. Seems a pity.

 
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Posted by on September 18, 2012 in Music

 

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Bob Dylan Releases New Album, Gives Listeners Emphysema

RoyCoup Press-  Bob Dylan, the enigmatic, counter-culture folk poet hero of his, yours and my generation who single-handedly raised folk lyrics to philo-art before abandoning those who made him so highly regarded in the first place in order to introduce folk rock to American pop charts before reshaping popular music once again in the late 1960s and 70s to a stripped down acoustic sound before embarking on years of touring before “finding god” in a motel room and converting to Christianity, releasing three or four religious albums before dropping once again into substance abuse and abandonment by his audience before resurrecting his career in the face of death in the late 1990s before selling out theaters and concert arenas and putting on some of the worst concerts you can even imagine throughout the 2000s, has released a new album entitled Tempest.

The album has ten new songs in the usual country/folk/blues vein, and has been garnering great reviews for giving listeners emphysema merely by hearing Dylan croak and stammer his way through the songs without any notions or semblances of vocal melody lines.

“It’s his best offering of psychosomatic emphysema since Time Out of Mind; it’s truly a great record although I’m not sure why or if I am really saying that. That could just be the emphysema talking,” said a New Jersey welder.

The album has garnered largely very positive reviews, but we’re still not sure why. Maybe its just easier to let Dylan do his thing and not critique him because he’s so harmless these days. But as his latest testament to his legend proves, he still has the capability of wrapping the nation up in coughing fits.

 

 
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Posted by on September 15, 2012 in Music

 

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Bottom of the Pops

I don’t know why, but some cities in Europe that I’ve been too have played astoundingly bad music. And alot of it is American pop music from various decades. I originally wrote this up after being in Dublin and Torrevieja, but I shelved it until I got to Paris, of all places, where I heard the same kind of crap music. I mean, what kind of place makes you relieved to hear Phil Collins? Anyhow, here is my version of a music show featuring some of the worst Ameican pop music I’ve heard over here along with some current commentary I think you will find riveting, if not insulting. So, here we go! (Oddly enough, this works better if you read it with an English accent. Don’t ask me why. Oh, and by the way, the bar I finished this in is playing some bitchin’ soul and jazz. So, yeah, I know not all music here sucks.)

Hello! and welcome to this weeks Bottom of the Pops show where we bring to you the worst, absolute worst in American pop music as voted on by our viewers.

Each week we take in millions of tweets, emails and phone calls by viewers such as yourself telling us who should be featured on this weeks version of (insert deep voice)…BOTTOM OF THE POPS!

Enough of the chit-chat, now. Okay, lets.get.to.the.list. Carrying over from last week where it charted number 2, starting things off at number 3 on our list: Alicia Keys and ¨I´m Jealous of Your Girl Friend, Although You Say She is Just a Girl That is Your Friend¨

Okay, let´s admit it: the first time you heard this song and thought ¨there´s no way she´s going to use girl and friend after saying girlfriend¨you were blown away. Like watching an impending train wreck of stupidity and bad writing from a distance.
But then, upon repeated deliveries of the line you finally admitted to yourself that given the way things are today there is no other way she could have possibly finished that line. Well done, Alicia! squandering your talents to settle for pop crap that mysteriously sells. At least in Europe.
And well done to our viewers for recognizing, once again, pure crap music from some of our most famous American musicians and putting it right at…THE BOTTOM OF THE POPS! where it belongs.

Moving on now. A new entry this week, though the performer is hardly a stranger to THE BOTTOM OF THE POPS!…BeeeYONCEY!!!

Beyonce say, “it sucks to be you right now” in her hit “The Best Thing I Never Had.”

Congrats, Beyonce! on your most recent placement. Although, it is rather strange that after your embarassing behavior, what with your astonishing egomania and “I’m shutting this hospital down while I crap out this billion dollar baby”, that it still doesn’t suck to be you right now.
Well, it looks like the only person that could possibly be more arrogant, egocentric, and out-of-touch than Bee is her own golden child once its had a decade or two of pampering. Way to go, Beyonce! Good to see some of our pop performers are still in touch with reality! Hey, at least she doesn’t sing blatant lies like how she’s still the same girl from ’round the way. But, then again, her father is her manager. Was it his idea to dress her up in sexy white lingerie? If so, ewww. And good thinking.
And way to go viewers! for sticking by Beyonce after her inexplicably heinous behavior. You all truly have an ear for what belongs at…THE BOTTOM OF THE POPS!

Right. Moving along to our cherished #1 spot here on BOTTOM OF THE POPS!
In an unprecedented move in this shows history, we have another new placement by a performer who is also a regular contestant of this show. This weeks #1 is special because it involves two frequent BOTTOM OF THE POPS players teaming up with an entertainer who is receiving our “What the Fuck Were You Thinking?” award of the week.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this week’s #1 on our BOTTOM OF THE POPS is…Will i.am. and J Love featuring Mick Jagger in their collaborative hit “T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever)!!!

Congrats to Will i.am.- who with the Black Eyed Peas or solo- continues to make the best in astoundingly bad and dreadful and embarassing and complete shit pop music. Well done, Bill. You are dumbing down a nation almost single-handedly!
Also, congrats to Jo Lo! for repeating mindless crap over and over while her scantily clad booty and heavily made-up face try in vain to convince a nation that she is still worthy of our attention and sexy dreams.
Dont worry, we know you still have no class and never will, but we think fondly of the days when we longed to nuzzle up to the bosom of thou booty. Those were the days.
And now, on to Jager. Come on, man, really? I get wanting to stay relevant, and you’ve done weird things in the past, but this is taking it beyond the beyonds. Get back with Keith, get on the road and rock out all over the stage with the Stones if your going to be shaking your geriatric ass at all. Seriously, guy, what the fuck were you thinking?

And that’s all the time we have for our show tonight, folks. Keep those votes coming and keep tuned into…THE BOTTOM OF THE POPS! Goodnight all!

 
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Posted by on February 5, 2012 in Music

 

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Rant and Rave

I’m going to rant and rave here about the pop music in Dublin (and I’m thinking in Europe altogether). Like in America, its astoundingly annoying and moronic. Driving rhythmic beats are layered with inane goddamned lyrics delivered with no fucking style whatsoever. Either some idiot repeats “nice people, nice, nice people” over and over or you hear lyrics like:

I went to my girls flat
We sat down and had a chat
She opened a bottle of wine
We had a real nice time
We talked until dawn
I can’t wait to go back

I walk around listening to this shit wondering “what in the fuck?” No wonder U2 is so popular and has had such longevity. They don’t sing about stupid shit.

On a side note, I find it hilarious that Dublin’s most famous citizen, Bono, is known for wearing outlandish sunglasses while being from a city where no one wears sunglasses. I swear I’m the only one in Dublin who wears sunglasses. And I wear them because I can. I don’t care if its cloudy out and I only get hit by a sliver of sunlight for 5 seconds in a day.

 
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Posted by on January 15, 2012 in Music

 

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I Might Be Too Young, But…

I might be too young to say this, but I am going to anyway. FUCK. PAT. BOONE. OK, that felt good. Just had to get that off my chest. Why does 50s on XM/Sirius play this clown? It was bad enough the first time around…

What a douche. This guys music is an abomination to rock-n-roll, and all music come to think of it.

Look here. He's old but still an out-and-out douche. Fuck Pat Boone.

 
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Posted by on December 27, 2011 in Music

 

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