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Category Archives: Randomness

Seriously

“Uh, surious.”
“Serial?”
“So. So Suriously.”
“Seariowsy?”
“SURIOSSLY.”
“Je-sus Chrost.”
“It’s Serial. Surryossly.”
“That’s so searious.”
“Like, you know?”
“Serious, I know.”
“You do? Searious?”
“Serious, I do. You know?”
“Oh, I know.”
“Searius?”
“Serial.”
“Ser-really-ous?”
“So serial.”
“Serious now. Serealious?”
“Super serealiosity.”
“That is serious.”
“SO surreous. You know?”
“Oh, I know.”
“You do? Sereal?”
“Serial. I do.”
“It’s so serious, right?”
“It’s super searious.”
“Seriously.”
“Seriously.”

 
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Posted by on December 20, 2012 in Randomness

 

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Cooch in a Can

During induction examinations for World War II, potential servicemen were screened to detect any possible evidence of homosexuality.  Whereas homosexual practices had once been forbidden, they were trying to keep homosexuals out of the armed services altogether.  Some factors that might tip off examiners as to the sexual orientation of the men included feminine distribution of pubic hair, effeminate gestures, and a “gag reflex” test.  They were worried that “true homosexuals” (those who played the woman’s part) would tempt or lead astray those otherwise heterosexual men.  At the same time, there was a major backlash against “easy” women and prostitutes to prevent VD’s.  Apparently, a guy wasn’t supposed to get any kind of satisfaction unless it was within the confines of the familial structure.  So, I thought of a solution.  Obviously, I’m about 70 years too late.  But here goes.

World War II advertisement:

Hey Ladies…while your man is off at war away from your loving charms, rest assured that he wont’ be drunkenly balling any of his army mates or any VD-ridden syph whores. That’s because he will have his government issued “Cooch in a Can.”

That’s right. Each soldier will be issued a “Cooch in a Can” to screw the living bejesus out of while we slay fascism in this great and terrible war. But don’t worry ladies. Each soldier can personalize his can by writing your name on it. Or, better yet, he can simply send you the blank sticker included with each can and you can leave your loving lip marks on it and send it back. That way he can think of your loving ways while he’s pumping his “Cooch in a Can.”

“Cooch in a Can”
Fuck While You Fight

 
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Posted by on October 11, 2012 in Randomness

 

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Arnold Schwarzenegger Writes Memoir, Wants People To Know He Sleeps With Sexy Women Too

RoyCoup Press- Arnold Schwarzenegger, undeniably the greatest actor in world cinematic history, is now the worlds greatest memoir writer after releasing “Total Recall.” In it, he recalls a steamy affair he had with Bridgette Nielsen in 1985 while the two were filming “Red Sonja”.  Nielsen, it turns out, even today looks nothing at all like that maid he shagged some years ago, proving that Schwarzenegger also bangs attractive women from time to time. Okay? So can we all move past the head scratching and bad mouthing of Arnold and just go see his new movie? Bridgette Nielsen. Focus on Bridget Nielsen. In her prime. Nielsen.

Jesus couldn’t write a better memoir. Believe that.

 
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Posted by on September 30, 2012 in Randomness

 

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Payin’ My Dues

Well, do ya, punk?

Let’s get one thing straight. I pay my dues every. fuckin. day. Got that? I’m out there puttin’ myself on the choppin’ block every day that I live and breathe. And I got mad love for the streets, and the honey’s, and eggs and bacon with home fries and an english muffin. So you can see that I pay my dues. Do you? Well…do ya…punk?

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Posted by on September 19, 2012 in Randomness

 

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Your Daily Inspiration Poem (For A Miami Dolphins Fan)

This is for my pal Jacgques Rorty, a Miami Dolphins fan. Read this on this Sunday and take heart:

Sometimes we all
lose our way
in the darkness.
And struggle to find
a reason to live.
Just like
when
your football team
sucks
something awful
and is
an ebarrrassment
to the game.
There’s always beer
and chicken wings.
A bridge
over troubled waters.

 
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Posted by on September 16, 2012 in Randomness

 

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Gaylord National Resort Seeking Guests

National Harbor, M.D.- Gaylord National Resort is now officially seeking guests to its National Harbor premium quality resort. Gaylord National Resort wants to inform people that they have been in business now for almost a year and have had very few guests. They want to know why, but, more importantly, they also want to remind you that you are invited to stay at their Gaylord Resort. You can book your rooms by phone or online, and they want to stress how beautiful the area around the Gaylord is all year round.

Gaylord National Resort released the following press statement to remind Americans that they are open for business:

Come and stay! We have all kinds of holes that need to be plugged in our reservations database. We are licking our lips in anticipation of your arrival. We can’t wait to take you into our bosom of hospitality and close personal care. We will bend over every which way to make your stay here as euphoric as possible. Our trained, upright staff will be at your every beck and call and will take your service to the deepest depths of their commitment to your satisfaction. When you leave the Gaylord National Resort you will be reinvigorated by the release of pent up stress and we know you will always look forward to coming back to us time and time again.

Call now for your reservation at Gaylord National Resort!

 
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Posted by on September 8, 2012 in Randomness

 

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Your Daily Inspirational Quote (Dedicated to Bobby Valentine)

Courtesy of Jacques Rorty

Chin check those fools,
Keep your head up,
Ohh, child things are gonna get easier,
Tomorrow’s gonna be a bright sun shiney day.

 
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Posted by on September 5, 2012 in Randomness

 

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