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Tag Archives: Musings
This is the second edition of my version of “George Carlin’s Book Club Offer.” I figure if it’s a good idea, and the originator is dead, why not keep it going? (Admittedly, mine pale in comparison.) I’ll use Carlin’s intro followed with my “How To” series of books. “Hi, welcome to the RoyCoup book club. We’ve got books out the ass. Call now, call now. Here are some of the titles you will receive:
How To Kill Yourself And Die Trying
How To Hide Your Your Obsession With Barbara Streisand’s Nose
How To Turn An Old TV Into A Toilet
How To Bring Everything Full Circle
How To Ruin Christmas For Small Children
How To Insult People You Don’t Know And Will Never Meet
How To Ignore The Fact That Steven Tyler Still Has A Career
How To Fake Domestic Abuse
How To Obliterate A Floor Lamp With A Broom Handle: A Boston Red Sox Fan Guide
How To Roast Your Testicles For The Holidays
How To Inspire People To Force You Into Making New Years Resolutions Weeks Before New Years
How To Get Yourself Fired At A Company Christmas Party
How To Reinvent Yourself For The Holidays
How To Turn Scrotum Hair Into Fake Ear Hair
How To Never Skateboard In Your Life. Ever.
How To Stare People Into Obedience
How To Turn A Casual Drink Into Lifelong Alcoholism
How To Be A Whiney Bitch On Yelp
How To Change The World One Yelp Review At A Time
How To Harvest Hard-Boiled Egg Farts At The Christmas Dinner Table
How To Ignore Strangers
How To Survive A Diet Of Meat And Bread
How To Make Your Alcoholism Enjoyable For Others: Christmas Songs For The Shit-Faced
How To Make A Mistletoe Belt: A Guide To Holiday BJs
How To Turn Beer Tits Into Christmas Presents
“My Latest Devastation”: How To Write Poetically About The Dumps You Take
Call now! Call now!
Are we so blind that we cannot see that the person in front of us in line at the supermarket is a complete asshole?
Are we so blind that we cannot see that virtually all plain white t-shirts worn more than once are stained to one degree or another?
Are we so blind that we cannot see that the smirky little smirk face on George W. Bush still spells “schmuck”?
Are we so blind that we cannot see that a ham and cheese sandwich is simply that?
Are we so blind that we cannot see the year “2011” may very well mean the year “4,785 1/2”?
Are we so blind that we cannot see that when we pick up the phone and get only a dial tone that that person has done us a favor?
Are we so blind that we cannot see that there is no difference between a Coors Light, Bud Light, Michelob Light, Miller Light, Amstel Light or Piss Water Light?
Are we so blind that we cannot see that Karl Ravich of ESPN probably thinks of himself as “Ravishing Ravich”?
Are we so blind that we cannot see that the title “Finest Actor of His/Her Day” doesn’t apply to anyone today?
Are we so blind that we cannot see that the buck stopped way back there?
Are we so blind that we cannot see that we are blind, and cannot see?
You’ve heard someone say that before. Usually they say it after some small bit of insight or a kind of philosophical reflection. You know, a friend keeps falling into lousy, somewhat abusive relationships with no staying power and this person will wax something like, ‘well, you know, you can’t save your teeth for eating a donut. Least, that’s what I always say.’ But when do they actually say that thing except when they follow it up by saying, ‘that’s what I always say.’ Oh really? I don’t think so. They don’t always say it. They don’t even frequently say it. Otherwise,when they did say the thing people around them would nod their head– either in disgust or agreement– and say, ‘yeah, that’s true. I’ve heard him/her say that every possible chance he/she’s had for the past two years, and still no one knows what the hell a donut has to do with anything.’ So next time someone says, ‘that’s what I always say,’ call them on it. Say, ‘really? when? When do you say that, except for right now?’ Let’s bring these people down a notch…
Following the conviction of the first female to commit crimes against humanity during the Rwandan genocide, the entire human race is now considering mass suicide to extinguish the enigmatic and popular species. Said one humanoid, ‘if we can’t even take care of each other, really, then what’s the point? No one is living because they are in love with granite or hockey or gold or whatever. We are in love with people who are in love with those things. And yet, we kill each other or screw each other over at such a rate that renders our existence meaningless. It makes one wonder why we keep this going…’ In an ironic twist, some religious business leaders have been the staunchest opponents to this species-wide suicide.
This is a post where I explore certain facets of our collective cultures that shed some light on the singularity of our beliefs and actions. Basically, this is shit that only human beings would think up.
Only human beings would think of their incredible existence as a crime against itself.
Only human beings would popularize an adult entertainer known as ‘Kid.’
Only human beings would take this world– beautiful and terrifying as it may be– as merely a stepping stone to a world or two that no one has ever actually seen.
Only human beings would think they each have ‘the answer’ and that everyone else was full of shit. And probably needed to die.
Only human beings would remove parts of the sexually stimulating organs of one sex just to protect the organ-fear of the opposite sex.
Only human beings would think of the best possible scenario as ‘utopian’.
Only human beings would explain helping one another by thinking ‘what’s in it for me?’
Only human beings would feel indecent showing their skin.
Only human beings would sell rocks as pets.
Only human beings would come up with a ‘spare-parts’ technology.
Only human beings would feel inspired to write about what only human beings do or think.
Only human beings would wonder ‘who put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop?’