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This is the second edition of my version of “George Carlin’s Book Club Offer.” I figure if it’s a good idea, and the originator is dead, why not keep it going? (Admittedly, mine pale in comparison.) I’ll use Carlin’s intro followed with my “How To” series of books. “Hi, welcome to the RoyCoup book club. We’ve got books out the ass. Call now, call now. Here are some of the titles you will receive:
How To Kill Yourself And Die Trying
How To Hide Your Your Obsession With Barbara Streisand’s Nose
How To Turn An Old TV Into A Toilet
How To Bring Everything Full Circle
How To Ruin Christmas For Small Children
How To Insult People You Don’t Know And Will Never Meet
How To Ignore The Fact That Steven Tyler Still Has A Career
How To Fake Domestic Abuse
How To Obliterate A Floor Lamp With A Broom Handle: A Boston Red Sox Fan Guide
How To Roast Your Testicles For The Holidays
How To Inspire People To Force You Into Making New Years Resolutions Weeks Before New Years
How To Get Yourself Fired At A Company Christmas Party
How To Reinvent Yourself For The Holidays
How To Turn Scrotum Hair Into Fake Ear Hair
How To Never Skateboard In Your Life. Ever.
How To Stare People Into Obedience
How To Turn A Casual Drink Into Lifelong Alcoholism
How To Be A Whiney Bitch On Yelp
How To Change The World One Yelp Review At A Time
How To Harvest Hard-Boiled Egg Farts At The Christmas Dinner Table
How To Ignore Strangers
How To Survive A Diet Of Meat And Bread
How To Make Your Alcoholism Enjoyable For Others: Christmas Songs For The Shit-Faced
How To Make A Mistletoe Belt: A Guide To Holiday BJs
How To Turn Beer Tits Into Christmas Presents
“My Latest Devastation”: How To Write Poetically About The Dumps You Take
Call now! Call now!
You’ve all heard this expression. Maybe you’ve actually used it yourself once or twice. You know what’s interesting about it though? We say it when mostly meaningless and harmless things happen to us. You stub your toe twice in a day and after the second time you say ‘boy, that’s the kinda shit that ruins my day.’ Or maybe you say it when you get 12 red lights in a row. We never it say when it really means something. We never smash ourselves in the crotch and say ‘that’s going to ruin my day’. Even though it seems to fall into the former category of non-serious issues, that’s a somewhat realistic case where it would apply. We never hear of people getting seriously injured– or if we are seriously injured– or of our loved ones confirming that we are, in fact, completely worthless and respond by saying, ‘yep, that’s the kinda shit that ruins my day’.
Earlier today I was downtown in Santa Cruz and walked past two of the good-for-nothing street kids who wear Bob Marley t-shirts and wait for handouts or make snide comments to people with jobs. One was sitting on a bench and the other was standing facing him at his side. The one sitting bent over and tried putting out his cigarette on the leg of the bench, but just enough so that he could fire up the rest later. Apparently, too much tobacco fell out of the cigarette, rendering it garbage. He said, looking at the wasted butt, ‘man, that’s the kinda shit that ruins my day.’ I thought, ‘really? not having half a cigarette ruins your day? How lucky you must be!’ It was astounding for him to say that. I thought, ‘so, not having anywhere to live doesn’t ruin your day? Not knowing where your next meal is going to come from doesn’t ruin your day? Having no future in your current lifestyle doesn’t ruin your day?’
The only thing in his case that could ruin his day I would imagine would be for someone to give him money. Not because he didn’t earn it, but because of what could potentially happen to him depending on how he spent it. Let’s say he bought some of the cheap, pure Mexican heroin that is so popular in Santa Cruz. But let’s say that he got a batch that was too pure for him and he overdosed on it. That, my friends, would surely be something to ruin his day.