RoyCoup Sports Press — It’s the same spring to me. It’s another year. I’m going to come out here and work hard. I’m going to try and keep getting better. Everyday I try to get better at something.
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Hello, I’m Arnold Schwarzenegger and welcome to another edition of my series “Arnold’s Tips.” As most of you are aware, football season is just around the corner and I’d like to take the time now to give you a few tips to make your football party experience a “touchdown.” Because what red blooded American, such as myself, doesn’t like watching grown men pummel each other into submission while scarfing down spicy chicken wings with ice cold German lagers? OK, enough of this TV timeout, let’s “get down” to some tips!
– Tip #1 – A Football party is NOT an orgy. This is the first and most important tip. A football party will feature very few women, if any at all, so do not expect this to be your typical German house party. On the other hand, do be prepared to show your muscular chest or your beer belly. It is not out of the ordinary to see some partial male nudity at football parties. Wearing a mesh football jersey is not out of the question.
– Tip #2 – Bring beer and dip. Football parties revolve around two things, and they are not a pathetically sad longing for one’s childhood or a desperate attempt to succeed in life vicariously through the achievements of others. They revolve around beer and dip. A nice chive and sour cream dip is a party favorite if you want to bring your A-game, but a simple ranch or blue cheese dip will work just fine. Do not bring vegetables. As for beer, any German lager is the wisest choice, but Budweiser will do. You will be drinking early and obviously very often. Plan ahead for a solid day of beer drinking. Did I say plan ahead? Ha! What am I saying, I’m sure you are all used to that already!
– Tip #3 – Show up pumped or angry. Both emotions are perfectly acceptable. You could just be excited for the beginning of the season or you could be angry that you are a Miami Dolphins fan. Everyone will understand where you are coming from. Do not be afraid to show your emotions. As I said earlier, there will be no women at most of these parties, so you can show your hyper-aggressive dominant side without feeling guilty. Hopefully you have fun, but above all, be passionate.
– Tip #4 – Don’t worry if you don’t know what to say. If you do not know what expectations there are for the upcoming football season, do not worry. It might be wise to watch ESPN for 36 straight hours before the party, but not everyone has the time. Certainly not me what with my new movie The Last Stand due to come out in January in theaters everywhere. Anyway, do not worry if you do not know what to say at the party. Just follow along everyone else’s lead. Eventually, as in all primitive societies, one member at the party will be singled out as the weak link and all the other males at the party will hammer on him. Either join in verbally or laugh uproariously until you are choking and cannot speak.
– Tip #5 – Be in it for the long haul. A football party can start innocently enough with a solid day’s drinking and shouting, but once the games are done be prepared to kick it into overdrive. A trip to the local strip club may be in order, and powdered drugs may mysteriously appear. You may just end up going home and puking the rest of the evening, but prepared for some wild Sunday night action that would make a Sodomite blush.
Those are my “Football Party Tips.” I hope you found them helpful and insightful. Celebrate the start of this years football season in real shit bagging style, but remember, as always, stay classy. Ready…break!
I felt good. I felt good out there today. I worked on a few things, threw some pitches in situations I wouldn’t normally throw them in. You know, again, this is still spring training. I’m getting where I need to be, you know? Things are progressing as they should. Just go out there, get my work in and build up my pitch count to be ready for opening day.